It’s not quite a catchy fun headline, but there it is.
On Monday, I shared something kind of personal on my Instagram. Not my favourite hotspot to grab cocktails or best tacos in London, not the best places to travel to this summer on a budget… but a personal, pretty big confession.
I… have anxiety.
And in some ways, I know that I always have. I worry over what people think of me, I’m consistently concerned that I’m letting friends down if I have to cancel plans or alter something in the tiniest way. When I worked full-time I was stressed about letting the company, coworkers or my clients down. And honestly? I thought most of my anxiety stemmed and built up from that. I felt like when I left my job, my feelings of anxiety would disappear from my life entirely.
But I think in a way, anxiety has been laying dormant for a year… waiting to creep out at me during a time I’d least expect.
And to my credit, I actually didn’t let much of the small stuff get to me over the past year. I found peace within working for myself, traveling and spending more time with Joe, friends and family. We moved out of London, found a new place and began planning for that next step in our life together.
I’m excited about the future and what we’re currently doing. Moving house wasn’t exactly FUN (who likes moving?) but I’m happy with our decision and our plans.
But it was before I came back to England and before the move… it has been this summer where anxiety knocked me back with a full blown force that even I wasn’t expecting.
A little context for you. It didn’t have overnight. It happened slowly over the course of a few weeks. We were staying with family for over the summer (ironically to rest, relax and enjoy – oh how we laugh). And I hadn’t felt the best after coming back from our holiday to the Dominican prior to that. But kept brushing it off, “it’s fine.”
Until eventually, I panicked and went to the doctors. Tests were run and well… I had a serious health scare that in the end, turned out to be a lab mistake. I was misdiagnosed due to a technical error and started on medication immediately. Then I was contacted by the Center for Disease Control and had to track my whereabouts over the past month. I was warned by the CDC that it wasn’t a great strain of the virus. To be honest, I was freaked. Panicked for me, panicked for my family who I could have easily passed this onto. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so on edge.
Until a few days later. When we got the call that actually, the lab made an error. And well, it might still be something. But it might not.
And then I waited. Continuing to spiral.
A few days later, they called and gave me the news – all clear. A lab transcriber had accidentally typed my paperwork incorrectly. I don’t know how this can happen, but apparently, it did. Then they re-ran all my tests to triple check the error. The lab director called me to personally discuss this. And how I really did, have nothing to worry about in the end.
While I felt an intense sense of relief at the news… the additional damage was already done.
My health is fine, physically anyway. But I went through agonizing about it. Weeks of chest pains, sleepless nights and headaches. Sheer panic at the sound of a phone ringing… would it be the doctor calling with news? I’ve never felt so out of control of my own body and mind.
And I’ve found that following the misdiagnosis, it’s casually spilled over into my everyday as well. Panic about things that really don’t matter. Whether that’s missing a parcel, making plans with friends or deciding about dinner.
It’s… draining.
The only way I know how to cope with it, is to well, talk about it. So I’m talking about it. Because while we see mental health becoming less stigmatized in our generation… there’s an element of me that feels like I’m failing for continuing to feel like this. I know that I’m not failing, not really, and there’s no one making me feel that way either. In fact, I’m full of support left, right and centre from everyone in my life.
But anxiety is one of those things that doesn’t care or listen to logic. It’s petty and irritating and selfishly wants to takeover from your normal rational thought process.
So I’m working on it. And sharing my Instagram post on Monday has helped me feel a little more connected. Because I know I’m not alone in feeling like this. And I know that it will get better.
It’s just going to take a little time.
Kelly xoxo
(PS. I know everyone has vastly different experiences with anxiety and mental health. I’m not here to comment on other’s experiences or say what’s right, wrong or normal/not normal, I just want to talk about how I feel with mine. Because it helps me. And if sharing my experience helps someone in any way, then I’m making a difference for the both of us. And that’s great.)