Self-doubt is my enemy right now. I feel it constantly, nagging at the back of my mind, just burrowing in and building a nice little nest for itself.
With Mental Health Awareness week here, I wasn’t confident about sharing anything about how I’ve been feeling lately. Sometimes I’m personal on the blog, but it’s been a long time since I’ve really shared too many details about my life.
But I think it’s time to get personal. Because yes, it’s Mental Health Awareness week and hey, no one is immune to it. No one will go through the entirety of their lives without self-doubt creeping in. Or without feeling a little lost. And it hits some of us harder than others.
It’s been a long time since I’ve been in the writing flow. I’m still not feeling game for writing blog posts or sitting at my desk for hours on end. And you know something? I love writing. I love working on my blog. And I haven’t wanted to do much with it for a while now.
Something hasn’t been quite right.
By all accounts, I’ve got it good. My personal life is great. I’m generally happy. I have brilliant friends, family and a husband who loves me and handles my emotions with a finesse that really should have won him an award by now.
I shouldn’t be feeling like this, is what I continue to tell myself.
Still, feeling low or a bit down doesn’t mean that you can’t recognize that other people are worse off. Because that’s the worst, isn’t it? When someone says, ‘Oh but there are children starving’ ‘there’s homelessness’ ‘there’s abuse’ the list goes on. It doesn’t mean you feel less empathy towards people less fortunate that you, but you are allowed to feel too.
After all, we’re not immune to feeling.
And I’m feeling. I’m tired. Sometimes stressed. I’m not at my goal weight. My makeup is average. Saving for a house is ridiculously hard. I have to keep applying for visas. I’m overwhelmed. And I’m kind of running in place.
And while I started to write this, I kept thinking about 10 things I hate about you and putting my thoughts into a nice little list (because who doesn’t love a list, really?). What if I thought about the 10 things I hate about myself?
10 Things I Hate About Myself
(cringing at this title now, actually)
I’m a jealous person, it’s not cute and it’s not fun. I compare myself to others, even when I know I shouldn’t. Some bloggers and writers are 100% on fire right now. They are creating incredible content and wow, it’s impressive. And sometimes I’m envious that I’m not there yet. And maybe never will be.
It’s so low right now you guys. I used to be so disciplined, but now a pizza here, wine there and ignoring my writing to binge watch Netflix. I’m struggling to create content and achieve much of anything these days. Pass the coffee.
There are plenty of things happening that are causing stress. I take things personally and hard. I beat myself up for mistakes. Even laying awake at night overplaying scenarios. I stress about finances (living in London is like throwing your money in the rubbish bin). Sometimes about work, sometimes about family. I wish I didn’t, but I can’t help feeling too attached or close to things that stress me out.
Feeling too uptight
Remember the time that Prince brought Kim Kardashian up on stage to dance and she just couldn’t? She froze. Sometimes I feel like that too.
I both hate and love this about myself depending on the day.
Picking my nails off
They are so short and sad looking.
Don’t hate me. I know we’re meant to never feel like we need to prep for a bikini body and to love ourselves how we are… but I genuinely miss feeling like myself in my skin.
Losing contact with friends
It’s hard being an ex-pat. I live a full ocean away from friends I grew up with. I used to be pretty good at staying in touch. Now I’m not… and these are friendships that were – and are, incredibly important to me.
Wasting my time away
I haven’t been on a “proper” vacation in years. One filled with wine, hot weather and beaches. God I miss it. And Instagram is literally the gold mine of vacation envy for me right now. Joe and I are desperate to get away, but responsibilities like visa applications have taken priority.
Running in place
I’ve been out of university for a little bit now and I just feel like I’m not moving in the direction I want sometimes. I want to write more, I want to grow my blog, I want to see the world. But I feel like I’m stuck repeating the same things every weekend.
So there are the 10 things… but do they matter? Actually?
These aren’t horrible things and despite sometimes feeling slightly inadequate… um, these really aren’t too bad. I feel like it’s a definitely stretch to say they’re even things that I hate about myself. Because the truth is, I don’t hate much about myself. Fine, the envy thing I’ll work on. But the rest? These are totally changeable feelings. Just like in the film, I don’t really hate myself, do I?
And at the end of the day, it’s all OK.
But sometimes you need to talk about it to make it better. To share how you’re feeling. To reach out. I thought I’d feel worse putting this out there, but I think it’s OK to admit when you’re not feeling like yourself anymore. It’s OK to say, I’m not having an OK day. It’s OK to talk, to speak up and to even get help.
I’m conscious that these are things that I can make better and I will. I just need to get myself out of my head to get there. And luckily, I’ve got pretty kick ass supportive people around me. And you know, coffee.
PS. I want to let everyone know that I am here for you as a friend to talk to or to reach out to. It’s important to know, there’s always someone here. While you might not think so, and even when it’s not Mental Health Awareness week, there is always someone to listen.