I can’t remember the last time I did a personal post on my blog. A couple years ago, I was writing as a platform for sharing more about myself, getting real, and connecting with all kinds of different people. It’s been a long time since I wrote about my personal life, rather than keeping it littered with the fun things, food, fashion and travel. Because the fun things are easy to talk about. But I think it’s about time I share something I haven’t said “publicly” yet.
A few months ago, I decided to do something very brave.
Or very stupid. The jury’s still out on it for now. Here it goes…
I quit my job.
After two years, working in public relations for various bars and restaurants throughout London, I had handed in my notice. Some of you may know that I had gone down to part time hours for a few months, but in the end it wasn’t working for me anymore. I found myself still drained from the week, lacking inspiration in my personal life. I couldn’t string together sentences for the life of me after a long day. My ‘weekend creativity’ just wasn’t there anymore.
I wasn’t feeling like me anymore.
I’ve always prided myself on my ambition, my #GirlBoss attitude and work ethic. Striving for the best was part of my daily regime, like putting my makeup on in the morning, working hard was right at the top of my priorities. I always thought that ambition was constantly within me, that it would take me to the top of my field, that it would drive me to learn more, be smarter and gain success.
But what happens when you wake up in the morning and you’re just putting on your makeup? Tossing eyedrops into your tired eyes and you slowly but surely, lose that fighting ambition to be the best.
What happens when your ambition evaporates from your body? What happens when you’re no longer a Girl Boss?
You turn into a sort of zombie person. I found myself going through the motions on the outside, but struggling to stay focused, calm and collected on the inside. I was stressed. Stressed about losing ambition, stressed about not being the person I always thought I’d be, stressed about struggling to stay focused and stressed about what my blog had become. Not much is the answer. Because sometimes, when you’re ambitious, other areas of your life fall behind.
My writing has always been a passion, and I didn’t have the willpower or capacity to write anymore. Or to read. Things that have always been so important to me, I had started cutting out of my life. I had gained weight, I wasn’t smashing through 5 mile runs like I used to, I was sluggishly reaching for another cup of coffee.
So, it was time to make a change. After a few months part time wasn’t cutting it. And honestly, my company were totally kicking ass in every sector and needed somebody who could be full-time, to commit to projects 100% and I knew I couldn’t do it.
I’m grateful for my two and a bit years there. I learned so much. How to navigate the industries of London, how to manage clients, host events, improve my writing skills, think commercially and over all, I learned how to become the ultimate Girl Boss. After all, I have a lot to thank my former boss for. For giving an American in London without much experience in the UK a chance. Mentoring me to become the businesswoman I am today. And for also teaching me that sometimes the path you’re on isn’t the one you have to continue down. Because maybe, you’re meant to do something else. To be something else.
And now, I’m in my third week without “working”. It feels weird. I still wake up early, my body clock thinking I have somewhere to be.
But I’m on my path to something else. Starting each day anew. Some days I’m fresh with ideas. Some days, I’m not. I’m not holding myself accountable to a deadline at the moment, I’m taking each day as it comes for the time being.
Because writing is starting to feel fun again.
And that’s exactly what I’ve wanted all along.