So about that whole freelance blogger life thing and what they say about sitting around in your pajamas all day, watching Netflix and eating? Ummmm. It’s all true.
Or at least for these past two weeks of my life, it certainly has been. I’ve spent this time completely uninterrupted by the outside world.
Two weeks ago, I got back from our trip to Amsterdam, crawled into bed and simply managed to shuffle from room to room since.
I’m not here to say that I don’t ever do work. Quite the contrary. As a full-time blogger, I probably don’t even need to say it but I work a lot. I think I must be suffering from a burnout. Maybe it’s all the recent traveling. But I feel like a fish out of water. Or a fish in general. Just gaping and swimming around my fishbowl of a flat. Unsure whether or not to keep eating the flakes at the top (I don’t know where this analogy has gone either) or to just keep swimming.
What is the deal?
I keep saying it’s the weather. But how long can I feasibly keep blaming the muggy English weather for my shortcomings? My lack of inspiration feels incredibly real and heavy.
My schedule is as follows: I wake up each morning feeling like I’ve been pulled too quickly from my dreams. Then, I drag my body to the kitchen to make myself coffee and settle in for a day of writing and planning. But somehow, I get lost within the first hour. I open my laptop and end up reading a few news articles, checking my finances and emails. After an hour has passed my laptop mysteriously shuts itself and my body, on autopilot, finds my favorite corner of our green velvet sofa and a very soft blanket. Suddenly, the TV is on and I’m five hours into episodes of Law & Order that I’ve seen before.
It is real and frustrating and I know it’s the epitome of “first world freelancer problems” but it’s something I wanted to talk about.
What do you do when you can’t be “you”?
If I’m honest with myself, I’ve felt this wave for what feels like much longer than two weeks time. But a busy schedule and travel can masque what’s really going on. Being tired when you are non-stop is normal. Feeling creatively drained after working on campaigns and being “go-go-go” is normal.
But how can I justify being drained when I’m not doing anything at all?
When the most I’ve done is make myself lunch all day and it’s not that exciting of a lunch at that. How do I find a new normal for myself with a lighter schedule? When I can no longer realistically blame “x, y and z” for how I’m feeling.
Because the truth is… even with nothing on right now, no travel or rushing around, I still feel completely drained. My energy has left me. My brain barely wants to write, type or produce any organic content anymore. Even writing this, I feel my eyes glazing over a bit and wishing myself back to my sofa. Come on, it’s not that boring, Kelly!
So here we are. Freelance life. Maybe this blogger brain fog is normal. Maybe I just need to embrace it. Take time out to yeah, keep sitting on my sofa and watching TV a little bit mindlessly for awhile. Because is there any good that comes from forcing yourself to write? Or be creative? Does work end up looking “less than”?
My great fear is that I’m a mediocre blogger anyways. That what I’m creating isn’t unique (I mean, it’s not unique is it really? Other people do exactly the same) and that I’m like an average version of what’s already out there in the world.
I’m not looking for a pity party but sometimes I do genuinely feel this way and can’t help it. I always manage to get my paid work done – I really do prioritize it (because you know, bills). But when I try to force something organic… well I just can’t do it.
Maybe I’m my own roadblock.
I wanted to finish this post on a good note. But in reality, I fear that I’m going to publish these words and end up right back where I started this. At the very least, it’s a current truth for me. I don’t want to pretend that life is wonderful and that traveling all the time doesn’t lead me to feeling like this. I feel like I’m on a come-down from travel and a busy schedule and can’t find the remedy.
Except maybe it is just what I’ve been doing. Sofa, blanket and reruns of Law & Order. Maybe I need to take a longer time off in order to come back feeling like myself again.
So confessions of a full time blogger: I might spend the next two weeks on my sofa too.
Can somebody pop the kettle on?
Kelly xx