Sometimes I feel like I’m missing the mark.
Like I should already be at a certain stage in my life.
I think we all feel it as we get older, I should be doing this, that or the other.
Do you ever get that feeling?
We have a mortgage, a car lease and very adult responsibilities. But sometimes… I feel like I’m sixteen again, living in a 28 year-old’s body without a clue as to what to do next.
When I was sixteen, I used to think I’d have it all figured out by now. I thought I’d be successfully running around New York City in some high flying job – ideally, working at a glossy magazine if I’m being honest with you. I know it sounds ambitious, but I just thought that’s what my life could be.
And yet, I didn’t really fall too far from what that mark probably looks like. After two years in public relations in London, I knew that go, go, go lifestyle wasn’t actually sustainable for me. It brought on stress and anxiety I wasn’t prepared for. But it was as close as can be to what I thought I wanted to be doing.
( For those asking on the outfit: Cardigan / Jeans / Top )
It turns out, it wasn’t right for me. I’ve discovered that I like a slower pace. I like quiet mornings. A feeling of calm rather than one of constant heightened anxiety and motion.
So we made the change. We’ve moved from chaotic London life. But what does it mean for me? Am I missing the mark? Am I not hitting those milestone moments anymore?
Funny enough, one life milestone I didn’t think I’d reach quite so early was marriage. I’d always imagined I’d get married in my 30s. I’m incredibly happy that I met Joe so young and we get to spend our life together. It’s one of those life milestones that I’m forever happy about.
But with our youthful marriage comes the inevitable question of children. And I’m not quite ready to dive into that responsibility quite yet. While my age bracket matches up with that immense role of responsibility… I don’t feel like I do. I can barely remember to turn the light off in the bathroom (seriously, ask Joe, it’s one of his pet peeves).
And I call/text/would use a flyover plane to get in contact with my mom constantly for advice. Whether that’s on health, medicine or how to look after various things. My dad gets the calls about my business q’s. Am I doing this right? Is this a thing? It’s even harder being so far away from home sometimes knowing that I can’t pop around – or even drive a few hours for their guidance.
My current moment in time feels like a weird placement of not knowing where I should be. I know what (far) future steps hold… but what about this in-between time. Am I missing the mark?
I think more of us than ever before are feeling this uncertainty. Whether it’s work, relationships, kids, whatever. Is there ever a feeling where we sit back and say “I’m totally 100% satisfied with where I am right now.” There are so many things that I’m happy about. I’m over the moon to have Joe as my husband. I love our new home. I’m doing well-ish with freelance.
Still, anxiety is tough and I don’t always feel like I have it together. I have wonderful friends, but sometimes it’s hard making the time to see them because the thought of coming up to London now feels really daunting.
It’s hard to hold all your spinning plates of life at once. But then again, is life ever an all-at once encompassing kind of thing?
For some reason it makes me think about the show Big Little Lies, which showed the heroines grappling with their struggles. They all had certain parts of their lives completely wonderful… while others were, well lies. I’m going to call them incompletes because most of us aren’t living like a TV who-done-it drama.
Do you think we ever reach a point where we are 100%? Where we fill all of our “incompletes”. I’m not sure there’s an answer. Maybe someday.
I know you’re probably reading this post thinking there’s a wrap up. Some big moment where I fall into clarity. But I don’t have it. I don’t know what’s next, what’s the in-between. I don’t have a solution to anxiety or feeling a certain way. And I just wanted to say that if you feel like you’re in the in-between, it’s OK.
We’re all in this together.
Kelly x